My Best Friend...
It's been 5 years, 2 months and 13 days. I don't remember his face now, but I remember every word he said to me that night. He kept repeating the same thing over and over again. I didn't do anything. I am helpless, need medical help, psychological help, I should say. Someone who can help me forget that dreadful night, that somehow I'm able to live with this, live with the trauma of that night, live with it replaying in my mind, in my sleep over and over again, and everyday, I just wish it could just tone down a little maybe.
I hadn't been able to talk to him since the past two weeks. The only thing keeping me so busy was my new job and my will to excel in at least this one. I was working as a software engineer in Amazon and I was posted in Bangalore with a very neat salary. All I wanted to do was get to the top at what I was doing. I had to work so hard for it. I had put away anything that could be a distraction. He knew that I had been through a breakup, and had suggested me to get away from Facebook in order to get relief from the woman who betrayed me. I think I had actually gotten over her, but at times when I felt sad and lonely, I used to check out her Facebook posts to see where she had been what she had been up to, and regret not being with her.
He was staying in Delhi, the capital of India, the place with very good roads, better living conditions than Bangalore, plus he was at home, what could happen ? But something happened, and not just a little something, a lot of something happened. At 2.37 AM on 17th of July 2011, I got a call from my best friend after about 2 weeks of no contact with him and the first sentence he says to me is, "If I jump off a 12 storey building, what is the worst that can happen ?". I thought he was kidding with me, just as was his style to start conversations. So I replied, "You'll get goosebumps !". He did not find it funny, he did not care, but he asked the question again, sounding a lot more serious this time. And this is the time I seriously got scared, scared of not his tone, but the fact that my best friend was talking like this, the only person who I knew would never say anything like this.
"What's happening ?", I asked in a quizzical tone, and he replied, "Read the facebook messages I sent you, you will know why I am doing this. This has been too much for me, and I cannot and do not want to live anymore. So, goodbye my dearest of friends, I have always loved you, and I wish that God always keeps you happy in whatever you do !". My throat went dry, I couldn't speak for a moment. Before he could continue I replied really angrily, "I'm gonna kill you if you do anything like that, because it is not your life you are taking, you are also taking my life with yours. We're both connected, you're going to do nothing of this sort, tell me what has happened right now, or I'm gonna take the next flight to Delhi. And you are not going to do anything, think about uncle and aunty, what would they feel...". "They're dead", he interrupted me. I've never been so shocked in my life, ever ! "Why? How? What happened?", I inquired and he replied in a normal tone, "I've given this a lot of thought, the past three days have been the worst for me and I couldn't take it anymore. My parents were my best mates, I don't have anyone else in my life, read the facebook messages I sent you, and you'll know why I'm doing this !", and he jumped down a 12 storey building.
I heard the scream of a person falling for about 3-4 seconds, and a huge crash. The phone got disconnected, maybe he jumped with the phone still in his hand. By this time, I was out of my apartment and on the street, looking for the night auto or taxi to the airport. I froze when this happened ! I couldn't move, like my life was already taken, like I had already died, like instead of him I was the one who died. How I wish that should've happened. I kept standing there for the next 20-30 seconds. Then a cab stopped right at my feet. I couldn't move, I was not able to get into the cab, not able to pick my feet. I gathered all that was left in me and got into the cab. The driver asked me where to and I said I had to go to the airport. I kept hearing that scream all through my ride in the cab.
At the airport, I got a ticket in Air India for the next flight to Delhi, which was in about an hour. I checked in, got a seat and kept thinking about the scream I had just heard. I wasn't able to think. I did not bring anything with me to the airport other than my mobile and my wallet. Even though I had heard a scream deafening me from head to toe, I was still hoping he was alive and that somehow someone had heard the scream and called an ambulance, and that he was at the hospital. I tried calling some of our friends in Delhi and telling them about the situation, but no one picked up their phone. I was all alone.
I reached Delhi at about 7.00 AM in the morning. Still thinking about him, I hurried out of the airport and thought of getting to his apartment. No one was there, but someone told me he jumped down the top of the building and that he was taken to the hospital. I ran to take another auto to the hospital he was taken to. When I reached his hospital, I learnt he was pronounced dead the moment he was taken in. He had died during the travel to the hospital. I wept ! This was the only time in my life I have wept, and not just wept, I wept my soul out ! I could'nt do anything at that moment than weep at what had happened. You might think that I might have no reason to cry, but that moment had taken everything out of me, I could think of nothing but cry, weep ! I gathered myself when the nurses tried to console me. The police was there, but I had told them I had nothing they could know about the situation.
While walking out of the hospital, I remembered that he said something about reading facebook messages. I quickly took out my phone, took a seat at the hospital lobby and started reading what messages he was talking about. I started reading from the last message I sent him. He had sent me some jokes, I giggled while reading them and wiping my tears. As I kept reading, I understood his situation. His parents had been in a car crash, his mother was declared dead on the spot and his father was taken to the hospital. He had asked me to come to Delhi for a while. I hadn't read those messages, and I thought to myself that he would have been there if I had read all of this. I did not stop. His messages kept on saying that his condition was going for the worst. His father who was taken to the hospital, had gone into a coma. He was at the hospital all the time, be it day or night, and was doing everything in his power to keep his dad alive. Some of the messages he had sent were at night, the time he used to be deep in sleep, at around 4 AM in the morning. He said that he had been crying in his sleep, he had been having bad dreams all week. He used to sleep at 3 and get up at 4, and just sit by his dad, crying all the time. At times, he said, he would just wake up being all scared of losing everyone he had in his life. His parents hadn't talked to his relatives in a long time, and he did not have any of their contacts. He was so helpless, so brave and so helpless at the same time. He did not even have me.
The last message he sent to me said that he had not slept the past 3 nights, just because he did not want to get up scared. His eyes had developed dark circles around them, and for a person only 21 years old, I think it is the worst that could have happened. He had managed to live so long, so long without his dad or mom or anyone else. Even I did not answer any of his messages, and maybe he did not call me because he thought that I was very busy and that I should not be disturbed. The last message he sent me was after three days of explaining his situation and a continuous series of messages saying he was not doing good. He said he realised that he did not have anyone left in his life. His dad had been declared dead 3 days ago and he could not take the loneliness anymore, he was done getting up scared at night, he did not have a job yet, could not even get one in a few days' time. He said that I was the best person he could meet in all of his life. The only introvert he had spent all his time with. The only person he could trust to do the right thing always. The only person other than his family who was worth giving his life for, and he ended with the bestest of wishes for me and a sweet GoodBye ! "Why did you take my life, brother, why ?...", I said to myself as I walked out of the hospital lobby, and I kept walking.
I spent 3 weeks at his home, trying to figure out why he could not have just stayed. Why did I not read his messages, played the conversation among us all the time in my head trying to figure out something I could have said to stop him from jumping. Somehow trying to curse myself for not taking a look at facebook. I was kicked out of my job for not reporting the reason for absence at work for the past 3 weeks. I joined a startup in Delhi for sometime. Then I took up his dream of making it to the US and doing Masters in Computer Science. I got my admission at a reputed university in Texas. I tried to get away from everyone, I don't talk to anyone until it is necessary. Sometimes during the nights I wake up scared, hearing that scream, remembering everything that happened that damned night. I am totally secluded, living alone in a single bedroom apartment, with the money I made for myself and some from my father. I haven't even told my father about this incident, and I don't know what would happen if I did decide to someday !
I hadn't been able to talk to him since the past two weeks. The only thing keeping me so busy was my new job and my will to excel in at least this one. I was working as a software engineer in Amazon and I was posted in Bangalore with a very neat salary. All I wanted to do was get to the top at what I was doing. I had to work so hard for it. I had put away anything that could be a distraction. He knew that I had been through a breakup, and had suggested me to get away from Facebook in order to get relief from the woman who betrayed me. I think I had actually gotten over her, but at times when I felt sad and lonely, I used to check out her Facebook posts to see where she had been what she had been up to, and regret not being with her.
He was staying in Delhi, the capital of India, the place with very good roads, better living conditions than Bangalore, plus he was at home, what could happen ? But something happened, and not just a little something, a lot of something happened. At 2.37 AM on 17th of July 2011, I got a call from my best friend after about 2 weeks of no contact with him and the first sentence he says to me is, "If I jump off a 12 storey building, what is the worst that can happen ?". I thought he was kidding with me, just as was his style to start conversations. So I replied, "You'll get goosebumps !". He did not find it funny, he did not care, but he asked the question again, sounding a lot more serious this time. And this is the time I seriously got scared, scared of not his tone, but the fact that my best friend was talking like this, the only person who I knew would never say anything like this.
"What's happening ?", I asked in a quizzical tone, and he replied, "Read the facebook messages I sent you, you will know why I am doing this. This has been too much for me, and I cannot and do not want to live anymore. So, goodbye my dearest of friends, I have always loved you, and I wish that God always keeps you happy in whatever you do !". My throat went dry, I couldn't speak for a moment. Before he could continue I replied really angrily, "I'm gonna kill you if you do anything like that, because it is not your life you are taking, you are also taking my life with yours. We're both connected, you're going to do nothing of this sort, tell me what has happened right now, or I'm gonna take the next flight to Delhi. And you are not going to do anything, think about uncle and aunty, what would they feel...". "They're dead", he interrupted me. I've never been so shocked in my life, ever ! "Why? How? What happened?", I inquired and he replied in a normal tone, "I've given this a lot of thought, the past three days have been the worst for me and I couldn't take it anymore. My parents were my best mates, I don't have anyone else in my life, read the facebook messages I sent you, and you'll know why I'm doing this !", and he jumped down a 12 storey building.
I heard the scream of a person falling for about 3-4 seconds, and a huge crash. The phone got disconnected, maybe he jumped with the phone still in his hand. By this time, I was out of my apartment and on the street, looking for the night auto or taxi to the airport. I froze when this happened ! I couldn't move, like my life was already taken, like I had already died, like instead of him I was the one who died. How I wish that should've happened. I kept standing there for the next 20-30 seconds. Then a cab stopped right at my feet. I couldn't move, I was not able to get into the cab, not able to pick my feet. I gathered all that was left in me and got into the cab. The driver asked me where to and I said I had to go to the airport. I kept hearing that scream all through my ride in the cab.
At the airport, I got a ticket in Air India for the next flight to Delhi, which was in about an hour. I checked in, got a seat and kept thinking about the scream I had just heard. I wasn't able to think. I did not bring anything with me to the airport other than my mobile and my wallet. Even though I had heard a scream deafening me from head to toe, I was still hoping he was alive and that somehow someone had heard the scream and called an ambulance, and that he was at the hospital. I tried calling some of our friends in Delhi and telling them about the situation, but no one picked up their phone. I was all alone.
I reached Delhi at about 7.00 AM in the morning. Still thinking about him, I hurried out of the airport and thought of getting to his apartment. No one was there, but someone told me he jumped down the top of the building and that he was taken to the hospital. I ran to take another auto to the hospital he was taken to. When I reached his hospital, I learnt he was pronounced dead the moment he was taken in. He had died during the travel to the hospital. I wept ! This was the only time in my life I have wept, and not just wept, I wept my soul out ! I could'nt do anything at that moment than weep at what had happened. You might think that I might have no reason to cry, but that moment had taken everything out of me, I could think of nothing but cry, weep ! I gathered myself when the nurses tried to console me. The police was there, but I had told them I had nothing they could know about the situation.
While walking out of the hospital, I remembered that he said something about reading facebook messages. I quickly took out my phone, took a seat at the hospital lobby and started reading what messages he was talking about. I started reading from the last message I sent him. He had sent me some jokes, I giggled while reading them and wiping my tears. As I kept reading, I understood his situation. His parents had been in a car crash, his mother was declared dead on the spot and his father was taken to the hospital. He had asked me to come to Delhi for a while. I hadn't read those messages, and I thought to myself that he would have been there if I had read all of this. I did not stop. His messages kept on saying that his condition was going for the worst. His father who was taken to the hospital, had gone into a coma. He was at the hospital all the time, be it day or night, and was doing everything in his power to keep his dad alive. Some of the messages he had sent were at night, the time he used to be deep in sleep, at around 4 AM in the morning. He said that he had been crying in his sleep, he had been having bad dreams all week. He used to sleep at 3 and get up at 4, and just sit by his dad, crying all the time. At times, he said, he would just wake up being all scared of losing everyone he had in his life. His parents hadn't talked to his relatives in a long time, and he did not have any of their contacts. He was so helpless, so brave and so helpless at the same time. He did not even have me.
The last message he sent to me said that he had not slept the past 3 nights, just because he did not want to get up scared. His eyes had developed dark circles around them, and for a person only 21 years old, I think it is the worst that could have happened. He had managed to live so long, so long without his dad or mom or anyone else. Even I did not answer any of his messages, and maybe he did not call me because he thought that I was very busy and that I should not be disturbed. The last message he sent me was after three days of explaining his situation and a continuous series of messages saying he was not doing good. He said he realised that he did not have anyone left in his life. His dad had been declared dead 3 days ago and he could not take the loneliness anymore, he was done getting up scared at night, he did not have a job yet, could not even get one in a few days' time. He said that I was the best person he could meet in all of his life. The only introvert he had spent all his time with. The only person he could trust to do the right thing always. The only person other than his family who was worth giving his life for, and he ended with the bestest of wishes for me and a sweet GoodBye ! "Why did you take my life, brother, why ?...", I said to myself as I walked out of the hospital lobby, and I kept walking.
I spent 3 weeks at his home, trying to figure out why he could not have just stayed. Why did I not read his messages, played the conversation among us all the time in my head trying to figure out something I could have said to stop him from jumping. Somehow trying to curse myself for not taking a look at facebook. I was kicked out of my job for not reporting the reason for absence at work for the past 3 weeks. I joined a startup in Delhi for sometime. Then I took up his dream of making it to the US and doing Masters in Computer Science. I got my admission at a reputed university in Texas. I tried to get away from everyone, I don't talk to anyone until it is necessary. Sometimes during the nights I wake up scared, hearing that scream, remembering everything that happened that damned night. I am totally secluded, living alone in a single bedroom apartment, with the money I made for myself and some from my father. I haven't even told my father about this incident, and I don't know what would happen if I did decide to someday !
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