The destruction

 "Why do I have to put up a face ?", I thought to myself. Sitting in that office chair was the worst nightmare I was going through. And I did not want anyone to know what I was going through. Sometimes there is no way to hide it. And sometimes you just have to keep going no matter what. I felt a very strong pain in my chest. It's almost like Mjolnir, Thor's hammer, was kept on my chest, and obviously, I was not worthy! I also felt like I would cry if I talked to anyone at all. So, as soon as I saw a wave of coworkers walk across my desk, I put on my headphones with music on high volume and pretended to be in a meeting so I don't have to talk to anyone.

Last night had been miserable. I was with her, and a couple of her friends. She kept looking at me every once in a while, and I was just focused on her. She was sitting with one of her favorite friends, and all others were talking. This was my first time with the group, so I was silent. Every once in a while she would ask me to sit, and I felt comfortable standing. I would just nod to her and then not sit. I believe that was my way of asking for more attention from her. The more she said it, the more I liked it and the more I nodded and said that I was comfortable. That was fun.

I have a corner desk at work, and my spot is like an intersection spot. A spot where people usually would walk around. That is one of the reasons why I had anti-glare and anti-peeping privacy filter on my screens. Because of those privacy filters, I could usually see the shadow of whoever walked behind me if one of the screens was dark. I use dark mode pretty much everywhere to prevent too much white light, and so I knew when she walked behind me to her desk in the farthest corner of the workplace. It was so hard to not turn around to say Hi to her when she walked past my desk. I always said Hi. But, today I was in a different place.

She never took any first step. Sometimes you just expect someone to say Hi, because it has been so long since you have been saying Hi when she passes by. In her defense, I was pretty convincing when I pretended I was in a meeting. But, I would have still loved her to just wave at me at least. This was the same as last night when she did not want to say anything after everyone else left and I decided to stay back for a bit. It seemed like she was just trying to make me feel comfortable. No! I don't want you to do that, I just want you to like it when I stay. I had high expectations of her, but she disappointed me every time! Then we got talking about what was going on with us. I like to tell stories in an attempt to make the other feel comfortable, so, I started bringing up some random stories that would make her laugh.

Someone tapped on the side of my desk. I saw it through my peripheral vision and turned around. My best friend was here. It was eleven already and we were going to lunch today, which was the usual Friday tradition. "So, where do you want to eat ?", he said. I tried not showing my face to him anymore and started opening Google Maps to check for a place. He started talking about some stuff that was going on in his team, and I listened quietly. I did not want to talk, thinking that I would choke while talking. We decided on our usual place and that we would start a little bit after noon, since he had a meeting. I think he also noticed my hands shaking, but did not say anything, hoping he would ask me at lunch.

The more I thought of what I could have done last night to make it work, the more I kept thinking about it! This girl had something in her. I was specifically in love with her smile! I knew that I was so happy when I was around her. I felt that she was happy too! She did a thing where every time she would laugh or smile, she would make this strong eye contact, which made you fall in love with her. I'm not sure if she did that with everyone, but when she did it with me, it was like Violins would start playing in the background. I would purposely make her smile or playfully make her laugh just for that eye contact. After everyone else left last night, I was so happy as she was laughing a lot. The stories I told her were making her smile so much.

And then I said it. I told her how her smile made me feel. There's a weird insecurity within you when you try to express your feelings to someone. You don't know if they feel the same way, but you want them to feel the same way. Your vision of them is also clouded by how much you admire them and want to be with them. She probably thought I was joking, and she smiled wide and made the strong eye contact with me. My heart melted! I told her this was it. That this was what made me feel so strongly about her. This was what I thought would be something I would love to explore more with her.

The food at the Indian restaurant was too good. I think that was the only thing that was keeping me out of a panic attack. I ate double my capacity, and sat still until my friend completed his plate. It was a lunch buffet, so we had the liberty of eating as much as we wanted. And we loved Indian food! He saw that there was something wrong with me that day. I was definitely behaving weird. "She said she doesn't like me!", I told him. "Oh, you asked her ? I mean, sorry dude! It happens", he replied. We ate the most silent lunch that Friday! That was the most vulnerable point for me that day. I could not have spoken any other words. I knew I was going to cry if I tried to say anything. He understood, and gave me space to go through the emotional turmoil.

She was at her desk when I got back. She would usually be late, but I took longer than usual today to get back. I did not want to look at her desk. I sat down at my desk. I was tired from all the events going on, and the emotional stress that was building up inside me. I put on some music and put it at the highest volume possible. I did not want to hear anyone talk anymore. I did feel there was a connection between us. A connection that I was able to understand and she wasn't. A connection that could blossom into something so beautiful. In my thoughts, I forgot about work.

Her desk is placed at an angle that I can see that she is at her desk or not. I cannot usually see her face unless she looks under her monitors. While listening to music at the loud volume, I turned to her desk. I could see that she was there. "If there is a connection between us, and I call her in my head, will she look?", I was questioning my own thoughts. And then I said her name in my head, while looking towards her desk. And right when I said it, she looked at me under her monitors!