Age is not just a number | Part 1

 "Are you still up ? Late now ?". I sent him the text thinking maybe we can still talk for a bit, even if it is midnight.

"Yeah, up", he responded almost immediately.

I called him and he picked up. After his usual greeting, asked me if I was going for a walk today. I reminded him that it was late, and that I wouldn't go for a walk this late. He said he was waiting for me to go for a walk, and that he was waiting at the entrance of my apartment complex.

"WHAT?", I panicked! "You're here ? Why didn't you tell me ? Okay, wait. I am coming."

That is unusual. Why is he here ? Why would he be here this late ? Is he really here or is he just making this up ? Wait, what entrance is he at ?

I called him and confirmed the entrance. I get very excited around people, and this is kind of a surprise. I did not at all expect that him asking for my apartment complex would turn into this. I saw him sitting on a bench by the coffee shop near our entrance. It was exciting, seeing someone I knew. I was also scared, this is not something that I would usually do, and him doing it was maybe a bit too generous. Probably shows ho deeply he feels.

We walked to the red light crossing, to get to the walking trail. We cross the light and start walking on the trail. I took him to a deck, where we stood for a bit and then started walking around the area. It was a bit windy, he was wearing a jacket. The jacket had three colours, dark blue, white and green. He had his hands in his jacket pockets as we were walking and talking. I could've also brought a jacket with me, but I didn't feel chilly after a bit of walking. Obviously, I did not say anything to him. He's most likely a romantic, would've probably given me his jacket without even thinking about it.

As we walked and talked, we came up to a point where we started talking about when he started being aware of himself and his emotions. He told me a story, something that I would not share on this platform, but it was related to his time in undergrad. He seems like a good story-teller. He really painted a picture for me on the scene and how things came to be the way they were. He was very articulate about his feelings within the story, explaining some of the even tiniest of details. The story seemed very genuine to me. I am glad he told me the story. At this point, I started talking about the time I started becoming aware of myself. I started talking about timelines, and as soon as I told him mine, he told me his.

About a month ago, he reached out to me after a badminton game we played together. He asked if he was being too pushy during the game when he was trying to push me to play a better game. I brushed it off saying he was just overthinking too much. At that point, in trying to explain the situation, he mentioned that he had been interested in me for a while, and that now he was trying to create a friendly boundary between the two of us. I was shocked. I had no idea he was interested in me, that too, for a while already. He told me he felt that the first time he played with me, he felt an interesting connection and he tried to pursue it for a while. I, personally, did not think about anything related to that. As I read more of his texts, he talked about how he usually behaves with people, and that he is good at small talk, but that may not be very natural to him. He told me that he was also impressed by a bunch of things that he attributed to my nature.

At this point, I mentioned that I am a bunch of years older than him. To this he responded saying that he did not care much about age. How could he not ? By historical data, as per my experience and of others around me, we would be at different stages in life, most likely wanting different things. Age is not just a number for me. But, since we're still just talking, I brushed off the thought and continued the conversation. We ended at a point where he mentioned that I shouldn't think much of it since he was anyway trying to move on. Relief! Would be so much better if he did not send me in my scary spiral of thinking about all of this.

Today as we started talking about the timelines, all of these thoughts flew back in. Why does he not care about the age difference? Should I not be caring about age difference as well? I know I'm thinking too much, but I just did not ever think this would be something I will actually have to think about. He does seem fun to talk to though. I really enjoyed his company today. I felt it was a nice break from all the continuous self-imposed stress and unnecessary pressure I've been putting on myself related to this.

It has been twenty minutes already ? I think I should just tell him. I don't want him to be hurt later. I think he genuinely likes me. He's a very nice, sweet, caring person. I do feel there is some sort of frequency match within our conversations. I also think I'm being stuck on something that he might think is weird or very insignificant, but I can't really change it or change how I think about it. Maybe if this had come to me at a better time than right now, I would've have definitely asked him for an ice cream drive. Why do all these things show up when you're already very busy with either deliverables or something or the other ? I also don't know if he would have been available at a different time. I think it would be unfair for me to ask him to wait for me for a better time, and even if I did and he agreed, would I ever be able to let go of the age difference ?

I sent him a big text with all these thoughts.

"Lol"

"Okay"

"Thank you for the time spent :)"

"All good memories"

"I won't bother you anymore"

I said I hadn't ever been bothered by him at all and that I enjoyed talking to him. I also apologised and explained a bit of my feelings behind my decision making.

I don't think we're going to see or talk to each other again.