The door's unlocked...

I was scrolling through instagram feed. I had just posted one of my song reels. I plan to do like 100 of those song reels this year. In half a mind, I put my phone down, and just start thinking. I start thinking about how bad the last thirteen-fourteen months have been going for me.

"I guess, this is called mid-life crisis!", I say to myself, out loud.

Let's think together, shall we? There's an ongoing recession, that started early last year, when Facebook -- oh wait, Meta now, they started laying off staff. Why? Obviously they had a reason for it, but then Meta is one of those huge companies that is beyond short term finance corrections, right? Not just that, the recent layoffs from all these tech giants -- Google, Amazon and Microsoft -- are they worth it? Are they saving the company at all from a financial crisis? At least it doesn't look like that in the short term, right? It may be a move to reshuffle the market with new high quality staff, right? Anyway, I don't know if that stresses me out enough! I think I am just upset because I don't know what I want in life. Whatever!

I get up from my desk where I had been staring at the screen and not doing anything at all. The light at the doorway is turned on. I walk over to the doorway, turn off the light and in half mind, unlock the door. While unlocking the door, I also turn up my phone, open WhatsApp, and type her name out in the search bar. Why don't I see her display picture? 

"Oh right, I've been blocked!", I say out loud again, while coming back to my senses. It's weird, being blocked from chatting with someone. Maybe her specially, but I don't remember being blocked by anyone else on WhatsApp either. It is like some freedom has been taken away from you! Remember the time when you were stuck inside your house, unable to go out anymore? From what I remember, it isn't that far in the past, and the memories are more or less still there (maybe not fresh). I think freedom has been very important to us, pretty much all the time. I think there's a certain weird quality in all humans (there could be exceptions, and I could be completely wrong about this) where they rebel against freedom! Think about the time when you used to have to go to work everyday, no matter what! I used to get back home tired, and pretty much disliked it every single day. But then, I did show up to work everyday! 

At the same time, when working from home became mandatory, I hated being home, alone, away from everyone, with minimal meetings during the day. Pretty sure people who got stuck with their families were also not psyched about seeing the same faces everyday for the 3-4 months everything was shut down! And then there was a time when everything opened up and people could now come in to work every single day. And I remember reading that news and calling up one of my friends and discussing how companies still don't trust their employees to do the work, from home. It's a funny and beautiful way how human psychology works! I think freedom is an important part of the psychology, right? What do you think?

Anyway, I got sidetracked. Maybe today is one of those self reflection days for me. I picked up my phone again. "The door's unlocked.. but would she know?", I softly said to myself.

Another thing about human psychology I don't understand is how we sometimes completely sync with someone. There are some twin brothers and sisters who can complete each other's sentences. Okay, maybe twins have that connection. There are some husband and wife who completely understand and know what each of them wants at any given time. That would be some sort of connection, right? I would be psyched to have that connection. I actually tried it once, with one of my very good friends. Someone who I could trust my life with! I turned to his general direction, focused on him for a couple of seconds and called out his name in my head. Oh, and he never turned to look :(! Maybe, the force wasn't that strong between us.

Or maybe that force is usually strong with a loved one? Would I get to know ever? Actually, I didn't even get to know it when I was in a relationship. There were times during my relationship with her, when I would leave my door unlocked, hoping that she would be there besides me when I woke up in the morning. And I think I really really focused on her in those moments, hoping that somehow she would get that signal. But then, that day never came.

One day of last week was another one of those days, when I left the door unlocked for a whole 24 hours. All day whenever I looked at the door, I would really focus on her, as if in my head I was sending her a pigeon/mail/email (or WhatsApp for the millennials or Gen-Z). I was hoping she would just walk in, give me a tight slap on my left cheek (so hit with her right hand -- dominant hand), and I would just stand there, clinching my lips and not able to look at her in the eyes. I don't know, I had really imagined a very Bollywood ending to all of this, and hoped for a happily ever after. But then, obviously, this is real life, where you actually have to deal with the pain, and move on!

Anyway, last time I met her, she told me she had blocked on all social media (hurtful, right? -- rude girl). But then, last Saturday when she was moving out, I happened to get a glimpse of the stuff moving out with her. And I saw the cute little nightstand that I built for her out of reclaimed wood, as one of the items waiting to be loaded onto the truck. I guess that's all the win that I get!